| Saturday, October 4th, 2003 |
| 7:17 pm |
stage one
stage one cancer stage one is when they know it is there, and they just want to watch it, see if it grows or goes away, stage one is when they tell you that you'll just have to come back every 4 months untill it either gets worse or goes away. i keep runnign through this in my head, i have cancer and there is nothing they cn do about it accept ocationally look in and see if it is getting worse, i am supposed to avoid getting pregnant but oral contraseptives can increase the risk of the cancer becoming serious |
| Thursday, September 4th, 2003 |
| 2:18 am |
i hate wendseday nights
i am so exhausted i just want to sleep but i can't till 8am cause i am at work and will be doing these hours again tomarrow, but what really bothers me is that its kereokee night in town and my sweet heart always gets into trouble on wendsedays it being 2:20 am and having still not recieved his "i'm-home-and-going-to-bed" call my nervres are dancing on their last thread i just want to know he's ok |
| Thursday, August 7th, 2003 |
| 4:32 am |
tired and broken
every thing seems to be breaking lately my parents fridge, rust red lasted 23 years my body friends foot my trooper (still!) i ache we (mark, ward, gregg, pat, hana, and i) all carried the new fridge up the mountain last night, i tried to spel today but ward and erin kept making noise so it was a day of cat naps, i was finally really starting to drift to sleep when gregg called and said he was picking me up then he hurt his foot and we got into a silly cell phone arguement my eyes hurt, its all about the aches and pains tonight i am tired of these hours, 11pm to 7am 5 nights a week, graveyard shift cause part of you is dead and buried if you keep it up, your social life your realationships every thing suffers |
| Tuesday, August 5th, 2003 |
| 6:04 am |
i change cars like most poeple outfits
i am not saying the tropper is definantly dead and burried yet, i am just disenhearted this may have been the shortest auto relationship i ever had.. grr -chevy caviler'86 in 1996 lasted atleast 7months radiator meshed with eng fan when i sliped on balck ice -suburu gl wagon '86 1997 lasted over a year leaked every vital fluid and shot flame from exhaust -chevy caprice '86 1998(my dancing golden lady) loved that car, every thing went wronge and it melted into mud rents ditched it -ford taurus station wagon '86 2001 alternator finaly caught fire in the end donated it to fire fighters to practice on -isuzu tropper '91 in2003 owned only since april electrical system fried by bad jump, got it for $400 wouldn't pass inspection do to a prob in the puter befor the bad zappage, hmmm i can't wait to live near public transport again |
| Monday, August 4th, 2003 |
| 2:48 am |
ama conspiraccy
my moma alway told me that the american medical association ran soley on money, they'd never diagnose you with anything you couldn't pay for and i was fool enough to go and get medical insurance and now i am faced with abnormal(cancerous)cells. and i don't feel like wakeing most days i just want to sleep till its over i want them to take the biopsy and then do the surgury and have it be done with i want to have a full blown case so that it can be taken out and no longer be a threat i don't want to live in fear of the virus causing this, don't want to be afraid of my body, i spent 14 hours sleeping today my lover woke me for church which i actually attended for once (fire and brimstone!) it did nothing for the dull ache with in my body the pain in my bones. i have grown lazier then every in my night time isolation chamber, i work all night alone, sleep all day rarely eat, muscles are atrifing from disuse. 11days in 11 days i get the biopsy i get this thing diagnosed fully and hopefully taken outta me then hopefully then i'll get my self back together, may be then i'll find a new job drop the insurance its to life threating i think |
| Friday, August 1st, 2003 |
| 3:02 am |
rip off
its raining, i can hear it breaking through the trees it feels like being being pounded my head aches, job jipped me 8hrs of pay this week and rent is due, not gonna sleep tomarrow day off going to the ulster county fair with my little sister and then an art opening on water street i slept all today except for an hour of lecturing my almost sister-in-law who hasn't worked all summer and is going back to school soon and getting fat and wants new cloths but doesn't want to get a job well duh none of us want to work espeacially when we get ripped off in our pay checks but after 20 your really down have a choice you take care of your self or con some one into taking care of you and live like a leech, i am to angery to type--sorry for spewing my bad mood . . . . . grr i wish it would just thunder i need a release |
| Thursday, July 31st, 2003 |
| 3:22 am |
kick this dirty town
i am resolved in one fact i will be moving out of this county i need to! it may take a year but i need traffic lights metro, bus transferers, ethnic resturants, meuseums parks with people loungeing out on a small piece of grass thinking its wilderness i am tired of the real wilderness of dodging deer of the damn mountian killing car after car i am even tiring of the stars the unadulteratedly blank bright and dark finality of the sky that more often then not lightens from indigo to teal with out the beautiful smog induced pinks and purple of a city, its sickening having the sun only bleed as it sets mudding the sky yet rising comes like a telivised birth where the baby pops out sparklingly clean i miss techni color i miss the atroucious hairstyles found in artsy gallery districts and the hedeous fashion sence of the business district i want to ride the bus and listen into other poeples cell phone conversation to watch poeple fall in love on the street to fall out of love in front of bars i want to feel the humm of emotion on pavement all this gravel is grating on me |
| Wednesday, July 30th, 2003 |
| 4:49 am |
sever writers block
damn its been along time since i wrote in here i wonder if any one even checks this damn thing any more well here i go readying my guts to spill across the screen i have a broken computer, broken car, dead end job, and abnormal cells on the 15th i go for a biopsy. . . . . . .i haven't been writing or painting, dreaming or even living lately i work sun set to sun rise dwell in the darkness alone, and this is the macob actions of a child not of a woman nearly a quarter a century old. . . . i don't know .. . . i just don't know --i need to spill it all i needed to let it loose |
| Saturday, May 18th, 2002 |
| 8:42 am |
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| Tuesday, April 30th, 2002 |
| 7:38 pm |
A Castel bouncer
yes that's right folk new to Nadine's always entertaining and ever changing resumee' is the job or castel bouncer a.k.a. "gate house attendant" for lovely mohonk mountain house.it's a fine job as far as jobs go. i think i am finally geting over the deep dark depression that has been haunting me all winter. 2 days left till i am no longer 22. Kathena is taking me out for a nice dinner at Osho's along with some of the girls and then i am spending the week end in nyc |
| Tuesday, February 26th, 2002 |
| 6:56 pm |
discription
tall shinny jamacain(looking) man, probably mid-30's to 40's, drives a van and used to work at hasbrouck dinning hall at suny new paltz in sept 1998 till i don't know when |
| 6:42 pm |
Stalking problem
The shape of my ass is not a blatent invitation to be fucked with!!!!!! i have to keep reminding myself, i wonder if i should just stop smiling may thats the problem i wonder around smiling alot of the time may be men think that it is becouse of them. some ass hole fallowed me to work today and continued harrassing me at my job said he's be there when i got off too, because i smiled in the direction of his van (which i mistook for a friend of mines) One of the cooks aty work informed me that he noticed the look of fear in my eyes when i was talking to -the man who was following me-- what does that mean though, he noticed and he didn't do anything about it. would he have i mean if it had gone beyond talk if that fucker tried to grab me would he have done anything to stop it. At the begining of this month i got chased through a church in mexico by a man with his dick out, a friend and i ran for blocks to get way from him. many poeple saw what was going on no one tried to stop him. today many poeple saw i was scared no one told him to leave. i found out he had been fired from the caffeteria years earlier for harrassing woman. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN !!!! WHY !!!! i just want to know what does it all mena and what can i do about it--- i wasn't even dressed sexy today, i have a ratty old velvet shirt on and my chief pants, he kept telling me i have a great body, but i wasn't even showing it, it was all covered up. So i'll admit i am scared. he knows what my car looks like and where i work, i hate being afriad. and i know atleast two of my housemates will not be home when i get back from work Ane is moving back to denmark she left this morning, and Pattie drove her away. . . . . . break is almost over must go back to work now |
| Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002 |
| 11:26 am |
Truth or Consequences New Mexico
Got to love public libraries free internet access for an hour! yeah yeah yeah, well i made it here after two and a half days on the bus i read almost all of malcom x's auto biography and a alot of mark twian so far. and also ran into a girl who went to my high school this morning who just happen to be sharing a hostel room with me. . . . geez i can't really think of what else to say right now i think it is time to go out and see more of this beautiful landscape and really soak up the town. i was shoked by how many people men and woman both kept asking me if i was going out to see a boy friend or family and each time i'd reply that no i was just going out to explore and they'd ask if i had a man at home and when i said no and expressed no interested in the subject there was always a strange little pause. ( then if the were female usually a sligh little smile) and i think that if nothing else i help a few poeple realize that a woman has every right to be out on the road on her own. i am enjoying my self as usual all my love nadine |
| Wednesday, January 16th, 2002 |
| 4:29 pm |
library
i am running away with mark twain some one had already liberated bukowski, and most of the rest. So here i am with good old mark reliable and so very very over stocked. one should know that poetry can't be found in most libraries cause poets aren't to be trusted-- this is what i am coming to understand ( and its about time considering that i am one of this dangerious breed) Poets are subversive, the lack of prose structure always them to be fluid and when need be sink into the texture of events hense sub-versive and often sub-liminal. see a few levels below the ordinary works. and being so onces a poets work finds it's way off the shelf it is highly unlikly that it will ever find it's way back up on to the same said shelf again. for it was an amazing act in its self to contain the mere words with in a book but the book still has all that unbindable need for adventure that resides in the poets own heart and so, i am running away with mark twain- he was here and freeable (in need) , and i am leaving ginsberge and ferlinghette to the wolves |
| Tuesday, December 18th, 2001 |
| 9:17 am |
Limbo ,jaw, and psychic
I haven?t been updating my journal much cause I have just been spinning my wheels, I failed another semester of school (well not really out right I passed a library and a photography course) but I am just floating currently not really accomplishing anything not even denting my growing debt. On wendsay I got my last wisdom tooth pulled and finally regained the ability to chew. There are stitches still in the back of my jaw, which will be removed tomorrow. In my growing uncertainty toward life I finally went to a psychic (don?t laugh it was a last resort) and she said exactly what I know in my heart is right. I need to allow my self to drop out of school and return to it when I know what I want to be doing. So that?s were I am at! |
| Wednesday, November 7th, 2001 |
| 12:50 pm |
allergic to bandaids
I want to chop my arm off at the elbow It hurts it itches I am in agony I have a 2nd degree burn that is 2 weeks old and almost healed but have developed a allegric reaction of band-aid?s so now I have the burn and the rash to content with and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I just want to chop my arm off |
| Friday, October 19th, 2001 |
| 1:44 am |
work
i must be a masocist, i am returning to work again in the morning going back to the cafeteria were i hopefully will not harm any more digits. i just watched a biography of seaseme st. and am realizing that i don't know what i am doing with my life right now but i am trying i really am i just don't know through here in ulster county there just isn't any sign that we're at war, that the world is being torn apart life goes on i scrap by but not very conviecingly i don't know i just don't know |
| Wednesday, October 17th, 2001 |
| 5:00 pm |
2 down 8 left to go
so after chopping off the tip of my right index finger i have now severly burned my left index finger and am typing haphazardly with my middle's i figure at this rate by next week i will be with out working digits. . . . . call me cause this typing shit ain't working |
| 4:57 pm |
2 down 8 left to go
so after chopping off the tip of my right index finger i have not severly burned my left index finger and am typing haphazardly with my middle's i figure at this rate by next week i will be with out working digits. . . . . call me cause this typing shit ain't working |
| Monday, October 15th, 2001 |
| 1:03 am |
cutting off digits
i chopped off the end of my right pointer finger accidentally today at work while trying to fix a slicer in the cafeteria the bleeding has stopped. but there is a chunk of skin and nail missing--- still with out medical insurance i took care of the problem my self and evaded being brought to any doctors or hospitals and so all this will cost me is the loss of a few hours of work. i hurt !!! |
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dinomay's journal